I was standing at my kitchen door at midnight, biting my nails nervously with a bag of cookies in hand. Part of me wanted to just stay inside. That’ll show him. I thought bitterly. Until my mind got the better of me and started panicking at whether or not he, himself would even show up to notice my absence. I probably shouldn’t care given the way he treated me… cold and icy. Even Tyler Crowley could muster up a strained smile when he saw me. It would be better if I just stayed inside. Just let this whole thing go now before I get myself in even deeper. I knew if I went out there and saw that tiny half smile he gives me and those deep gorgeous eyes… I would forget that I was completely furious at him. It would be the lowest kind of stupid to turn that door knob.

I had spent my entire afternoon and evening half pining, half fuming at Edward for his actions today. I couldn’t really figure out why he could hurt me so much. Wasn’t I happy with being avoided? Yes. I was. Perfectly content with being avoided. By everyone. The entire population of this town. Except. Edward. Cullen.

I glowered at the doorknob in contempt, staring daggers at it like somehow Edward would feel it where he was; in his bedroom or at the gazebo, it didn’t matter. The smart thing would be to stay here, in the kitchen. Nice, warm, inviting kitchen. It was completely characteristic of me to stay here where it was safe. If I went out that door, it would mean I was officially pathetic, and Edward Cullen had the sickest kind of power over me.

I let out some kind of agitated half groan/half sigh, full of annoyance and self loathing. Then I turned the stupid doorknob and walked out the door. Because I was pathetic.

It was cold tonight. Colder than usual. Which seemed to fit the occasion rather appropriately. There was a mild mist in the air, a lot like last night, but it felt like the rain was coming. Clutching my bag of Maniacal Mints for dear life, I began the walk of shame to the gazebo with my head hanging low. I tried telling myself that it was okay coming out here, because I was going to put him in place. I’d make him apologize. That was, of course, before I saw him, and felt a reflexive twinge of happiness at the thought that he did come tonight.

He was sitting atop the table inside the gazebo with his feet resting on the bench and his head in his hands. And, of course, because I was completely and utterly pathetic, my first thought was concern… for him. I berated myself for wanting to offer him even the least amount of comfort. When he heard me approaching he looked up. He looked so much more tired than last night, but he also looked…concerned? I was even more frustrated now. He changed moods like underwear. He hopped down from the table gracefully and ran his hands through his hair nervously. Good. I thought. I tried with every ounce of my self control to keep the anger in my tired eyes as I threw the cookies down on the table and plopped unceremoniously into my spot on the bench, crossing my arms in front of me on the table top.

I could feel his stare boring holes into the side of my face, but I refused to look at him or speak.

“You’re mad at me, huh?” He said in a sad tone. I snorted, not trusting my voice not to betray all the hurt I had felt earlier in the day. I shouldn’t let him see how much it affected me.

He let out a deep regretful sigh and slipped into his spot on the bench. “I didn’t mean to come off like such a prick today. We just can’t do this-” he waved a hand from me to him “-at school. I really can’t handle all of the attention.” He huffed. I stayed quiet. I mean, obviously he didn’t want to see me at school, but I heard no apology in that speech. So I just sat glaring at the table top, in complete silence, waiting for the apology that would probably never come.

“Hey, look at me.” He ordered softly. And because I was still pathetic, I did. I was so stupid. He was staring at me with those hard, tired green eyes and a pleading look on his face. And as if the mere sight of him looking at me that way wasn’t enough to completely crumble all my resolve, a breeze came by and sent his smell my way. “Forgive me?” He asked softly in his velvety smooth voice. My breath hitched a little. PATHETIC! My mind was sneering at me. It wasn’t completely lost to me that he never technically apologized. But the way he was looking at me….

I let out a deep internal groan that was so close to coming out of my lips I had to press them together tightly, and nodded in self disgust while sliding the cookies down the table. He twitched one side of his mouth up into the little half grin I daydreamed about sometimes, and grabbed a cookie.

I figured… if I was going to let Edward Cullen have this sick power over my will, I might as well enjoy it. So I laid my head on my arms, turning my face towards him to watch him eat my cookies. I vaguely recall hearing him say something regarding the mint chocolate confections he was reverently consuming, but all I could focus on was the line of his jaw as he chewed. The way it flexed and relaxed with every bite. I mumbled the name of the mint cookies distractedly, completely fixated on the workings of his mouth and the faint look of stubble lining his jaw and chin. Fearing that I was headed even deeper into pathetic than I would willingly allow myself to go, I turned my head downwards to glare at the table beneath my arms.

“Tired?” He asked softly in a concerned voice. I sat up then to look at him full on. The physical need to touch his hair as it rustled in the breeze was so overwhelming my fingers twitched. This needed to stop. Now. I couldn’t even touch Edward Cullen without being sent into hysterics… and even if I could, he would want nothing to do with me. He made that much clear in the quad today. So I made a silent pledge to myself in that moment. I would push all this… whatever it was… away, and use Edward for what he was. A somewhat friendly, nightly, confidant. Nothing more.

Steeling my resolve with a newfound confidence, I give him the best smile I could muster and shrugged, reaching for a cookie, and struggled to find out what ‘normal’ would be for us. I would make this work. I’d give Edward the half almost friendship he seemed to want. I’d do it, and I’d be a little pathetic for it. But in return I’d gain plenty myself. Someone to spend my long dark nights with. Someone who made me feel comforted and safe. Pathetic had nothing on that.

---

The rain came shortly after my silent pledge to myself, and Edward and I entered into a comfortable conversation about his book collection. He was a fan of the classics much like me. He tried to talk to me about music, but I was completely lost as to what he was talking about.

“I don’t really keep up with music much.” I admitted apologetically.

“Holy shit, Swan! You can’t be serious.” His eyes widened and he wore a mock horrified expression.

I cringed a bit at his casual use of my last name. I liked hearing him say my name. Bella. Calling me by my last name felt so… formal. He called people like Alice and Mike by their last names, and openly despised them. I wanted to tell him not to call me that, but that was venturing into the all too familiar pathetic zone, so I let it slide and shrugged at his question.

“Oh, my…” He sighed. “I have so much to teach you.” He smirked deviously with an unfamiliar sparkle in his eye. Music was obviously something he was very passionate about

So he spent the rest of the night ‘schooling’ me in the subject of all things modern music. Most of the bands he told me about had the weirdest names. Some even made me chuckle, which is a real credit to their hilarity given my particular mood, which seemed to seep self disgust every time I felt pathetic again… which happened far more often than I’d really care to admit. We didn’t talk about our dreams anymore, thankfully. And I never told him about the incident earlier in the day with Mike. I felt like we were doing a carefully crafted dance of avoidance of all unseemly subjects. We were talking together like… friends, I suppose, which was a bit different from the usual atmosphere we spent our nights in. Again I was left struggling to find what normal was for us.

When the sun was finally beginning to rise, Edward parted with a promise to return tomorrow with his iPod.

“Later, Bella!” He called, sending me his signature half smile over his shoulder as he retreated back into his yard. I sent up a silent prayer of thanks for the joyous reappearance of my first name.

I sighed dreamily as I watched him scale the back wall of his house up to his balcony. Pathetic. With a groan and a shake of my head, I went back inside my house, and got ready for the school day.

----

I made breakfast for Alice and Esme this morning; eggs and bacon with a heaping side of Bella’s angst. Esme usually chocked hers down while rushing out the door, so she surprised me when she actually sat down at the table.

Showing obvious reluctance at this new turn of events, I slowly sat myself in the seat opposite her and began picking at my food nervously. Something was up.

As soon as the thought entered my head, her eyes met mine, and she frowned, putting down her fork and wiping her mouth daintily with a napkin. “Bella,” she started softly in a tone of concern. Oh no! “I got a call yesterday from one of your teachers. Mr. Banner?” She cocked her head to the side a bit, her wavy caramel hair brushing her elbow. I frowned. Traitor. I kept my eyes locked on a greasy slice of bacon. “He was telling me you sleep sometimes in class and that…” she paused then, hesitating. I grimaced and dropped my bacon. My appetite had gone away faster than Edward spotting me in the quad. “And that… you had a bit of a… breakdown in the hall yesterday?” she questioned, pity lacing her tone. Great. So he was there too?

I cringed away from my plate and took a deep breath. Without meeting her eyes, I put on my careful façade of calm. “I did fall asleep once or twice, but the class is just so boring. I did all that stuff in Phoenix. But it won’t happen again, I promise.” I finally met her eyes then, and gave her what I hoped resembled an assuring smile.

“And in the hall?” She whispered, still looking at me with that same pity I hated. She pitied me because she already knew what I was going to say. Because she was my legal guardian, the doctors in Phoenix had conversations with her regarding my aversion to touching. She tried to get me to resume therapy here in Forks for that particular issue, but I shrugged it off, knowing it never helped anything. No point in wasting money.

I huffed out a large breath. “There’s this guy in school that won’t leave me alone.” I said in an annoyed tone, shaking my head.

Anger briefly flashed in Esme’s eyes, and I was shocked for a second. It was so rare to see her get angry at anything. “What’s this boy’s name?! Do I need to go to that school? I can call his parents.” she asked forcing a frighteningly calm expression.

I was stunned at her silent fury. It just wasn’t an emotion I was used to seeing from Esme. I loved her even more in that moment. She wanted to protect me from Mike Newton of all people. It was the sweetest gesture I’ve received in so long. I smiled at her, genuinely this time, and her face relaxed a bit.

“It’s okay Esme, I can handle Mike.” At the return of her furious calm look, I added, “If it happens again, I’ll let you know.” I smirked a little, happy at this newfound discovery of Esme’s maternal side.

“Bella, you know you can come to me with anything, right?” She asked with a soft, motherly expression. “I know Renee was your mother, and I’ll never want to replace her, but I like to think of myself as your mother too.” She said with tears in her eyes as she spoke of her sister, and my mother. My eyes watered up a bit before I blinked them back and nodded at her with yet another genuine smile on my face.

Reluctantly, she nodded, and finished her breakfast hastily before rushing out of the door, clutching tissues in her hands as she tried to hide her tears from me.

---

Alice, once again, never mentioned my incident in the hall. I felt like everyone was walking on egg shells around me. It was a feeling I both despised and loved in equal amounts. I must be a terribly uncomfortable person to be around. Always trying to dodge touchy subjects. It must be an exhausting task. Fortunately, Alice never got exhausted, so she had no problem engaging me in a conversation over the necessity and function of sleeveless turtlenecks on the way to school. Things were as normal as normal could possibly be in my life. If that makes any sense.

Edward and Jasper were in the silver car when we pulled up, but Alice insisted on walking out ahead of them this time. She was convinced the pants she was wearing made her butt look like “sex”, and she just had to show Jasper the “goods”. I rolled my eyes and went along with her, snickering in my head at the fact Jasper probably was staring right at her at that very second. I shook my head, hoping Edward could appreciate the silent joke as he (hopefully) watched my retreating form as well.

When we passed in the quad again on the way to third period, he thankfully didn’t glare at me, just casually ignored any sign of my existence. I easily swallowed the small feeling of hurt, telling myself it was a definite improvement from yesterday’s behavior.

But when I entered the lunchroom, I allowed myself a small reward for doing so well with the quad avoidance situation. I felt a little less pathetic. So I looked for him. It didn’t take long to spot his mop of bronze hair. He was sitting across from Jasper on the opposite side of the room where Alice and I sat. I thought it to be a fitting metaphor. He didn’t seem to be speaking to Jasper, just eating and staring at his tray with his usual expression of total indifference. I tore my eyes away from his face, feeling slightly more pathetic, but not terribly so, and took my seat next to Alice, continuing my usual ritual of reading and ignoring.

He was in Biology again, but not glaring at me, or the front of the room. Curiously he was glaring at Mike. I took my seat slowly trying to understand the silent exchange they were having without much success. Mike was just leering at me as per usual. This was nothing new. But Edward was obviously glaring daggers at his head. This went on for most of the period, and I made a mental note to ask Edward what his problem was with Mike. At least I wasn’t the only one who hated his guts.

The bell eventually rang, breaking my thoughts. Edward shot out of his seat and went to the door, like yesterday. I was prepared this time though. Less pathetic. I inwardly smiled. I was among the last out of the room. Thankfully, Mike had left before me, so I could easily avoid an awkward confrontation over yesterday’s events. As I made my way into the quad, I noticed Edward and Mike walking towards the woods past the parking lot. Hmm. That’s weird. One second he’s glaring at him, the next he’s walking with him? That was Edward…constantly confusing.

I was at lunch when Jasper told me about what that douche bag Newton did to Bella yesterday. Jasper kept talking about her like she was some crazed escaped mental patient. It pissed me off.

“I swear, man, people like that-” He nodded at Bella who sat beside Brandon across the room, reading a book “are why some small town school ends up on CNN while the campus goes running and screaming from fucking bullets.” He chuckled and shook his head.

It took everything in my being to beat down all my anger at Jasper. Who the fuck was he to say shit like that anyways? He didn’t even know Bella. I glared at my disgusting slice of pizza and took deep breaths, slowly letting that thought abate my anger. He doesn’t know her. This allowed me to maintain my mask of calm and boredom I used when I was in school.

Still, I took measures. Because there’s only so much shit my temper can take. “I don’t think Brandon would like you talking shit about her cousin like that.” I said craftily, using his weakness against him, and cocking an eyebrow. He immediately looked down at his tray remorseful. Fuck, you’re so easy.

While his head was down I took the moment to glance at Bella where she was sitting. She looked the same as always, with that black hood over her head, reading and eating her fucking delicious cookies. I could almost feel myself drooling at the thought of them. Highly disenchanted, I ate my slice of pizza very unenthusiastic like.

I was worried yesterday, seeing Bella in public after our conversations. When I picked Jazz up before school, I almost blurted to him about the whole thing. But something in me made me snap my mouth shut and ask him about his boring ass weekend instead. Something in my mind wanted to keep my nightly sessions with Bella all to myself. And effectively, keep Bella all to myself. My girl.

Not in a weird possessive, romantic, fucked up stalker kind of way. I didn’t let myself see Bella like that. Occasionally I would slip up when she did something cute as fuck like blush, but I beat that shit back, because I was not about to fuck this up over something stupid like teenage hormones. Bella was more than that to me. It was some cheesy Kindred Spirit kind of shit. And I wanted to keep that fact between Bella and me. I told her things about me that no one knew. I wanted to keep that comfort between us. In an effort to keep that friendly bond, I flipped the switch that made me react that way. End of story. I could get my rocks off elsewhere.

Still, Bella was my girl. My secret. The thought made me sigh. Then I saw her in the quad yesterday, and completely fucking panicked when she smiled at me and stopped. I admit… I may have over reacted a bit at the possibility everyone would know the secret. Attempting to not appear friendly towards her, I overcorrected, and probably hurt her feelings. She forgave me though.

But last night was different. She was acting strange. So I kept things light, in hopes I hadn’t scared her away with my fucked up story yet. I was already amazingly dependent on Bella’s company. And now, after hearing Jasper recount the events of what is now being referred to as “Weird Random Emotional Breakdown Number Four”, I was seeing another surprising side effect of my bond with Bella. It took me a second to understand it, but I was being protective of her. Jasper was really pissing me off with the way he talked about her. I could only hope my comment about Brandon would squash that shit. Alas, even I had faith in his undying love for the little bitch pixie.

Once I settled in to my Bio lab seat, I began to feel that protective feeling all over again when Bella walked in. Newton was two seats ahead of our table, staring at Bella; though to call it staring would be an understatement. He was fucking undressing her with his eyes, salivating like a golden retriever tied down in front of a pork chop. I glowered at him as she took her seat, willing him to meet my gaze. But he never did, so I spent the entire class trying to sort out this… this need… to fuck Newton up for what he did to Bella yesterday. And what he would do to her again given the opportunity. Because Newton was an idiot like that. Fucker never could take a hint… even when it was shaking and crying in front of him. My anger just grew during the hour.

When the bell finally rang, I darted out of the classroom, staying close to the door to make sure Newton was exiting behind me. And he was. His nose was still bruised from the bathroom incident, but it gave me little enjoyment. I wanted to bruise that fucker’s face. Once he met my gaze, I smiled crookedly at him, drawing him in with a friendly façade. Mike was always trying to get into mine and Jasper’s good graces. He’d take the bait.

He did.

“Hey Cullen! How’s it hangin’, Bro?” He said swaggering over to me like he was God’s gift to the entire planet. I allowed myself an inward grimace. However, I kept my smile in place as I put my plan into action.

“I was just heading out for a smoke, wanna join?” I asked casually, knowing that Mike was a total pothead, and most likely thought I was referring to weed instead of cigarettes. His face lit up and he followed me out the doors into the quad like the fucking douche bag he is. I made every attempt to keep a distance between us. Partly because my sight was going red with anger at the imbecile and partly because I didn’t want to be seen with him. Ever. Even if it was to beat the shit out of him.

Once we were in the thick canvas of the trees past the parking lot, I turned to him. “So, why do you keep fucking with Bella Swan?” I asked, finally letting my voice harden with the anger I was feeling.

His eyes glazed over for a second at the mention of her. “Holy fuck, bro. You see that whole coy, shy chick thing’s she’s got goin’ on? Even the crazy isn’t enough to tame the monster.” He snickered and crudely grabbed his crotch.

That was it.

I flew at him and grabbed him by the neck, slamming him against one of the mossy covered trees. His eyes grew wide as he realized the gravity of the situation. I glared at him through narrowed eyes, my breath picking up through the rare adrenaline rush I was getting.

“Listen the fuck up, Newton.” I hissed inches from his shocked face. I tightened my grip on his neck to punctuate my order, and his eyes squinted. “Stay the fuck away from her. Don’t touch her, don’t look at her, don’t even fucking think about her.” I growled, lacing my voice with venom.

I knew Newton well enough to know, he was terrified of me. Has been ever since the last day of freshman year when he saw me fuck up his best friend Josh. And right about now, Newton looked like he was going to piss his pants. What a pussy. I haven’t even hit him yet.

But I couldn’t leave the asshole completely unscathed, so I drew my fist back and punched him in the stomach with as much force as I could without internally injuring him. I let go of his neck as he slumped down on his knees holding his stomach and gasping for breath. He looked so fucking pathetic, shaking and gasping. How does it feel, Asshole. His immediate compliance was almost disappointing. I didn’t get to punish him nearly as much as I wanted.

Knowing I had to do some damage control, I kneeled down close to his face. “Tell anyone about this, and I will fuck you up. Got it?” I asked in my scary calm voice. At his nervous head bob, I stood up, wiping my hands against each other in a loud clapping motion. Satisfied that he wouldn’t touch my girl again, I turned on my heel, leaving him panting on the wet forest floor, wearing a smirk.

---

The adrenaline rush was good for my condition. It kept me completely alert for the rest of the school day and even the car ride home. Which was a good thing, because Jasper could not shut the fuck up about the pants Brandon was wearing today, and it was boring the shit out of me.

“So, she drops her pencil, right? Then she fucking bends over right in front of my desk.” Jasper groaned. I rolled my eyes. What a dirty little slut, Brandon. Girl’s got skills. Those pants of hers would be starring in Jasper’s every fantasy. It was so amusing watching those two do their sick mating dances. Amusing, and slightly nauseating.

He was in a hurry to get out of my car and into his house. Probably into his shower. I chuckled into the silence of my Volvo as I made my way home. Emmet was at practice today, so the house was quiet. As I made my way to my room, the adrenaline had completely left my system, and sadly, just made me even more exhausted. I swayed on the stairs a bit, grasping the railing for support. I trudged my way up the last stair with heavy feet and tired eyes.

“Shit.” I muttered under my breath when I saw my bed. All warm and inviting and asking me to lay in it and completely fucking ruin my quasi-good day. With a groan, I set my alarm clock for two hours, and glared at the pillows. Please, just this one time…

As soon as I hit the mattress my eyes fluttered closed, and I drifted into a deep sleep.

---

This time it was the fire. Red, hot, smoldering, blurring and scorching everything in its wake. Really, I couldn’t blame fire. Fire is something to be feared and respected. If only I had known that then. Instead, I sit crouched in a corner of the living room, watching as the flames lapped at my father’s skin, fire surrounding me, suffocating me. I could detect the scent. That fucking smell of burned flesh as he screamed for me to run and get out. But I couldn’t leave him there alone. So I sat, watching in horror as he tried to drag himself across the burning floor.

Finally, I woke up once again to the screeching of my alarm clock. I let out a frustrated, agonized scream and pounded my hands into my teary eyes before finally shutting the sound off. I felt some sick sense of karma, lying in my bed, sweating, shaking, crying, and panting.

It took me longer to recover than last time. I was so tired of doing this every other day. It was always the same result. I lifted up my shirt and fingered the scarred flesh across my stomach. A demented souvenir of the night that ruined my life.

Finally, I shot up out of bed, and lunged for the patio, desperate for something to calm my nerves. It was nearly six now, Carlisle would be home soon. I stood, enjoying the cold air against my sticky skin, and peered out towards the gazebo. It looked so much brighter in the day, but so much more inviting at night, when I knew someone was waiting there for me. Thinking of my girl soothed my nerves enough to extinguish the cigarette before it was even gone.

With that thought, I grabbed my iPod and began filling it with only the best songs I could think of. Can’t let my girl have bad taste in music.

I’m… apprehensive about the music thing. I’m not really up to date on bands and stuff. I know the things I like. But I’m not dark Edward. So don’t expect to get any specifics regarding his choices.

Reviews are lovely.