angstgoddess003 (angstgoddess003) wrote,
angstgoddess003
angstgoddess003

Wide Awake: Chapter 13. Black Leather Ladyfingers

A/N: Thanks a ton for all the fantastic reviews on the last chapter guys! It was a rollercoaster. I’m beyond elated I didn’t screw up the first kiss! Thanks for reading! Much love to all you guys. You make my day. I sit by my email waiting to read all the reviews.








Edward kissed me. And not just a little peck either. Full out, tongues and panting, and even a groan at the end. And even though I have no basis for comparison, I’m inclined to agree with Jessica… Fucking fantastic kisser.

I know it was a pity kiss. And I’d be lying more than a little bit if I said I wasn’t steering him in that direction. Maybe it was wrong of me to do it, but I can’t seem to care. When he agreed, I was still kind of shocked. He just had a look of determination on his face. He was going to give me something that no one else probably could. It was the sweetest thing he’s ever done.

I was nervous, walking over to bed and climbing to him. I was wondering if I would be bad at it, and I really didn’t want the humiliation of Edward thinking I was a bad kisser. But once he touched me, I was completely relaxed, and it all felt natural. Just instinct and his electricity. The little kisses were amazing, but I couldn’t help myself, I wanted more. I broke the rule of taking what I could get. He didn’t seem to mind. And his tongue was divine against mine. I felt parts of my body tingle that I didn’t even know existed. I wanted him to feel the same way I was feeling, if just for one moment. So I broke the rule again, and pressed my body to him. And I felt it; I felt the excitement, and brief flash of lust in his kiss. And then I heard it. That groan would be echoing in the deepest recesses of my memory for years to come.

It didn’t matter that he pulled away before he could feel more. It gave me hope. Hope that maybe some day Edward could feel that about me for more than just a few seconds. I went to bed with the stupidest smile on my face, and I didn’t even try to hide it from Edward. Because I couldn’t. I’d show him every part of me that loved that kiss. And when he was finally under the covers and pressed up against me, all the lust was gone, but my smile never went away.

---

I didn’t even have it in me to hate the alarm clock when it went off the next morning, but I gave Edward the usual squeeze, because I was still tired, and I didn’t want to leave his arms. He still pulled away with a groan that was very unlike the one during the kiss, but it still stirred the memory and made me lick my lips by instinct.

I went through my morning routine as normal as possible. I didn’t want to make it weird for Edward by acting any differently. But once I closed the door to the bathroom, I let my face break out into the goofy grin again as I got dressed.

Once I was packed, I felt the need to leave the cookies on the table, and then realized I had already given them to him the night before. Fudge You Alls. It really didn’t sum my day up. I really wanted to name them “I Hate Jessica Stanley And All Her Slutty Friends For Making Me Feel So Crappy In An Underfunded Gym Locker Room Cookies”, but something told me the Ziplock bag wasn’t big enough. I was very happy that I never let her see me cry yesterday. I waited for her to stop fuming and walk out of the locker room with a huff before I let the tears take me. Jessica Stanley would never get the satisfaction of seeing it.

Edward was still lying in bed with his eyes closed, running his fingers through his messy hair drowsily just like he did every morning, as I drew my hood up and slung the bag on my back. I had my back to him, walking to the door, in silence just like we always did when his voice stopped me.

“Hey!” He called thickly through his morning sleep voice that I rarely heard. I turned my head to see him propped up on one forearm, running his other hand through his hair still.

His droopy green eyes narrowed at me. “Don’t you ever let that bitch get to you, Bella.” He said in a hard voice. I nodded at him once and smiled a little. I didn’t care what she or her friends though of me. And then his face broke out into a wry smirk. “Plus,” He shrugged. “Stanley doesn’t have shit on you when it comes to kissing.” Then he flopped back down onto the bed and rolled over.

And that morning, I really did skip across the yard on the way home.

---

Nothing could ruin my mood. Not even Alice and her pouting about the Cullen house party this weekend. In fact, it just made my mood even better. Because I was going to tell Edward to make sure Jasper came this time around, and I was going to make sure she wore green. I spent the whole ride to school trying to fight off my grin at the thought of it.

It really was quite ridiculous, this whole disturbing dance they were doing. Of course, I’d be a complete hypocrite to say anything, seeing as how I was head over heels for Edward, and much like Alice, just couldn’t tell him. Albeit for much different reasons.

Alice was always waiting on Jasper. Just sitting by and waiting for him to make some indication that he noticed her. They were in polar opposite cliques… if you could even call Jasper and Edward a ‘clique’. Our situations were so similar, and yet so different at the same time. At least for Alice and Jasper, the only things holding them back were themselves. It wasn’t unrequited like I was with Edward. But at the same time, Edward and I were far closer than Alice and Jasper had ever been. It was all very confusing. And all the confusion just solidified the fact that I was finally feeling like a real teenage girl for once.

When we got to school, I didn’t look at Edward getting out of his Volvo. No way would I be able to hide my smile. And really, I couldn’t stand looking at the Volvo at all, in fear of a much different reaction. Likely, vomit would be involved.

Once we were out of the car and walking across the quad, I heard a very distinct snicker coming from a group in front of us. I lifted my hooded head just enough to see the legs of Jessica and her slut posse. And instead of just walking by with my hood up and my head down like I always did, I took Edward’s advice. I wasn’t going to let that bitch get to me. So I lifted my chin and rounded my shoulders, and sent her the cheekiest smile I could muster.

She glared, and she glowered, and she shot more daggers at me than was entirely necessary, but she kept her mouth shut. I had to battle with the urge to stick my tongue out at her like a four year old as I passed. I heard a very familiar quiet chuckle from far behind me. Edward. It just made me smile wider at her. He was watching. He was amused. He liked me better.

My entire day was good like that. By lunch, Jessica and her group had ceased all acknowledgment of my existence. I suppose I had lost my luster. Which suited me just fine. Edward was fine in Biology. No more notes, no glares, just sketching and looking bored as always. I couldn’t wait for ten-o-clock. So I spent gym working to distance myself like always, hood up, head down. Jessica never passed me the basketball.

---

Alice was planning another “Make Jasper Drool” outfit when we got home. I, of course, pointed her towards every green number in her closet. And then she found ‘it’. I was sitting on her bed, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling, wishing I was in a very different bedroom.

“So.” Alice bounced out of her closet with a smirk. “I figure, I’ve been going about this all wrong.” She shook her little head vehemently with her hands on her hips. I turned my head towards her and quirked an eyebrow. You think?

She rolled her eyes. “I mean…” She hopped on the bed beside me, making me jump a bit. “Jasper’s a bad boy. Maybe I need to indulge in the naughtier side of my wardrobe.” She wiggled her eyebrows. I looked at her mischievous grin closely, and then slowly sat up on the bed with a skeptical look on my face. Could she get any naughtier?

She could. She would. She did.

Five minutes later, Alice came sashaying out of her walk in closet in the outfit I knew was going to break Jasper. It would probably break every male in Forks high. And possibly a few females too. My jaw was in serious danger of unhinging if it got any lower to the ground.

Because there Alice stood, in black leather pants, so tight they looked like they were painted on, and hanging so low on her hips I was surprised there wasn’t pubic hair showing. I watched her while she did a little spin for me, and even I felt like I was molesting her seeing it.

“Alice.” I choked, gaping at the black leather incredulously. “You can’t be serious.” I shook my head with my mouth still hanging open.

“Please.” She scoffed and waved her little had. “This…” She raised her eyebrows and pointed at her leg. “Is nothing my dear sweet virginal Bella.” She sang, doing another little spin in the mirror with a triumphant smile.

I was still gaping unabashedly. How she managed to put her body out there like that was beyond me. I couldn’t stand next to Edward in a baggy t-shirt without blushing. “Alice, I am not walking through the quad with you looking that!” I said, a bit higher than was necessary. She just snorted and rolled her eyes at me while trying to find the perfect top to go with it. Like anyone will be looking at her top.

After Alice set her outfit out for the next day, I made the three of us dinner. I almost wanted to show Esme what her sweet innocent daughter was going to wear to school tomorrow. But I didn’t think I could bear the look on Esme’s face when she saw it.

At precisely nine, I began my batch of cookies. Black Leather Ladyfingers. Admittedly, though I’d never fail to be shocked when I saw her do it, I admired Alice’s exhibitionist tendencies. It was just something I could never do. She thrived on having attention drawn to her, putting herself and her body out there for all to see. She was so comfortable in her skin and so confident that it just made me feel even mousier when I was standing next to her. I was plain at best. At worst, invisible.

Invisible was my comfortable skin.

---

I wasn’t nervous when I climbed my way up to Edward’s balcony that night. I wouldn’t ‘make shit weird’. He answered enthusiastically, snatching my hood off my head as soon as I walked in the room, and looking really hungry again. I felt bad that my mood last night ruined his meal.

I unpacked his dinner onto his bed. Edward got messy the last time he ate lasagna, so I brought extra napkins with me, setting them beside the container. He had the container opened, smelling it before I even finished unpacking. So I had to chuckle at him.

I took my spot on the sofa again, scooping up the iPod, and watching him eat. It was all very domestic, the nights I spent with Edward. Me making him dinner after a long day, and us getting into the same bed. I shook my head to rid it of those thoughts. It was a friendship. I think. I couldn’t really find a word for what we had, and there’s no way I would ever ask him.

Edward got my attention when he began cursing. I looked up from the iPod, and sure enough, he had made a mess. Tomato sauce all over his lips, chin, and shirt. I chuckled at him and shook my head.

“It’s not fucking funny!” He chewed. Though his mouth was full, so it came out muffled. He began swiping at his shirt with the napkins and licking all the sauce off his lips. And I couldn’t help myself. I stared shamelessly at his tongue as he darted it out across his lips. It was like everything else in the room disappeared into black, and all that existed was his tongue and those lips. I was dazed, completely mesmerized by the motion. And the only thing that broke the spell was the napkin coming over his lips.

I quickly diverted my attention to the iPod, praying my face wasn’t red and I wasn’t completely transparent. Luckily, nothing in that moment could distract Edward from his food. I didn’t look at him again until the moans and hums were gone.

By the time he was finished eating, I was fairly certain he killed the shirt. I told him so.

“It’s not dead.” He frowned, looking down at the huge red stains and pulling his shirt out to inspect his victim more closely. “It’s just...” He shrugged one shoulder, looking at the shirt morosely. “… sleeping.” And I chuckled at him. Because, really, there was no saving that poor thing, and he sounded rather attached to it.

After declaring the shirt a goner, we decided to call it an early night. We were both pretty spent, not getting as much sleep the night before. So we got ready for bed in our usual fashion. No awkwardness after the lip licking incident on my side.

Once we were under the covers and the light was out, Edward scooped me up like always and held me tight. I breathed in the scent of his chest, allowing myself a little grin, and stroking his hair and humming. He was asleep in minutes.

---

I don’t know what time it was that Edward woke me up, but I could feel him gripping my side so tightly with his arm that I was certain there’d be bruises. He was breathing heavily, almost raspy. I opened my eyes and tried to lift my head up to see his face in the meager amount of light the moon outside the window provided.

His jaw was clenched so tight I could see the straining muscles rippling with every grind of his teeth. And he was still holding me to him so tightly it hurt. My arm was still around his back, so I began stroking his hair, hoping it would loosen his grip on me.

His eyelids shot open and his breathing was still heavy, heavy enough I could feel it on my face. He darted his green eyes down to meet mine. He looked so odd, scared almost.

“Edward?” I whispered groggily, still stroking his hair. His grip on my side hadn’t loosed any, and he was just staring into my eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. “What’s wrong? Were you dreaming?” I asked quietly, trying not to panic.

He didn’t move or say anything for a few moments. He just stared into my eyes, breathing raspy and clutching me to him. Just as I was beginning to panic, he relaxed his arm and let out a deep breath that blew over my face.

Then, without speaking, he grabbed the back of my head in his palm and crushed it into the crook of his neck, plunging his face into my hair at the crook of my mine. “Don’t fucking leave me.” He growled against my shoulder.

I was so confused and tired, and I had no idea what Edward was talking about. “I’m not leaving, Edward. I promise.” I whispered against his neck, still stroking his hair with my fingers. He was silent, just taking deep breaths of my hair, so I began humming to him. Eventually he was asleep again, so I extracted my head from his big palm and put it back on his chest in my spot, too sleepy to question what just happened.


 







It was a dream, but it wasn’t. It was more of an impression. An impression that my girl wasn’t there. A sense of dread and fucking loneliness, a lot like how I felt before Bella came along. It scared the shit out of me.

When the alarm went off, I took longer to pull away. It was screeching that same fucking annoying sound, but when Bella squeezed, I squeezed back, and stayed for just a few more fucking seconds. She got of bed looking confused, but didn’t ask me about what happened last night. Which is good, because I doubted if I could even explain it.

She left me my cookies on the table and left out the door like always. I was thankful she didn’t want to dwell on that shit.

---

I was feeling tense and fucking high-strung. I couldn’t quite place why; the dream, all the drama that’s been lingering around, I don’t fucking know, but I felt like I was buzzing with it. Jazz got in the car that morning and got a knowing look on his face. He could always tell my emotions.

He slumped down into the passenger seat and looked straight ahead while I drove. We had been drifting apart since all the bullshit that happened last year; never seeing each other outside of school or hanging out on weekends. And Em had that party coming up, and I really just wanted to fucking enjoy being normal for a change, and hopefully ease some of the tension I was feeling.

“Hey, Jazz. Party at the Cullen mansion Friday. You in?” I turned my head towards him and quirked an eyebrow. He pursed his lips thoughtfully for a few moments.

“Fuck it, why not.” He shrugged laying his head on the seat and closing his eyes.

I smirked. Jazz always had a hard time turning down a party. Though this particular one would be far more legal than usual shit he’s used to.

And I was fucking thankful Jazz still had his eyes closed when I pulled into the school parking lot. Because the sorry fucking excuse for pants that Brandon had on would have given him a heart attack… since she was bending over to get something from the floor of her car. My gaze probably lingered on her ass a little longer than was entirely appropriate. That was obviously the intended reaction though. I got out of the car before Jazz opened his eyes. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer that hard on.

---

By lunch, most of my tension had subsided. I could see my girl giving me worried sideway glances when I passed her in the quad, but I was fine. Just need to let loose a little is all.

Jazz was at the table when I got to the cafeteria. And I knew the look he had on his face. It was getting to be too much for me to watch this bullshit. I sat down in my seat fucking loudly, and sent him a pointed glance. Do it, fucker!

He was bouncing his leg up and down so fast, it made the whole table vibrate. I rolled my fucking eyes. I went to get my bag of cookies out to eat, before I realized I left them on my table this morning. I glared into its empty spot. Fucking Shit.

I straightened back up and began eating the disgusting school food Jazz had on his tray. When he glowered at me I shrugged and smirked. Couldn’t get that fucker any more stressed than he already was.

He leaned back into seat and let out a deep breath, rubbing his face with his hands and calming himself sufficiently. We sat there in silence for a long while, eating and drinking, with all the sounds of the cafeteria surrounding us.

Suddenly, Jazz pounded his fist on the table with a loud ‘slam’ that shook the food tray and nearly spilled his milk. I snapped my head up from the tray, slightly fucking shocked and confused. He was staring behind me, so I slowly turned and followed his gaze.

Brandon was at the entrance of the cafeteria with her back to us ten feet away. Newton was behind her acting like he was smacking her ass and chuckling at his friends.

“HEY! BRANDON!” Jazz yelled from his seat. I spun around to face him. And he looked fucking determined. He’s going to fucking do it.

I was sitting with my mouth hanging open in utter fucking disbelief. Then slowly it turned into a big fucking smirk, because I’ve been waiting for this shit for four years now. I leaned back in my chair and waited for Brandon to walk over. I knew she would.

I could tell when she was close because the look on Jaspers face got calmer, and he just smiled at her all fucking goofy and in love like the stupid prick he is. My smirk was so big my cheek hurt. When she finally reached our table, she was standing there, all black leather pants, and a comically modest amount of cleavage, with the same fucking goofy grin that Jazz had plastered on her face. She didn’t even notice I was at the table.

“Hey, Jasper!” She chirped, looking a whole lot like she was trying with everything in her not to look as excited as she actually fucking was. My smirk grew, and I glanced at my girl’s table where she was sitting staring at the exchange with the same smirk I was wearing. Tit for tat.

“Hey, have a seat, I wanted to ask you something.” Jazz said coolly, swiping at his shirt like he was mildly bored. Which we all know is a fucking lie. Alice sashayed over to the seat next to him, and I had to suppress the snicker that was dying to come out, because they were just so fucking obvious and oblivious at the same time.

She took her seat next to him, not even sparing me a glance, and leaned forward with her arms on the table, doing the same shit as Jazz; trying to look bored. I rolled my eyes.

“What’s up?” Alice asked, playing with a lock of her short black hair. Jazz was fixated on what her finger was doing before he snapped himself out of it.

“Umm...” He stammered uncharacteristically, shaking his head. “You goin’ to that party Friday at the Cullens’?” He asked, like there wasn’t a Cullen sitting right fucking here. Alice bobbed her little so fast I thought it might fall off and smiled widely at him. He smiled back. Fucking pathetic. “Yeah, me too.” He shrugged nonchalantly.

And with that, they were both lost again. Looking around nervously, not taking it any fucking further. I fought the urge to groan. Alice got a flash of something in her eye and smiled, reaching down into her book bag for something.

And when she came back up she was holding a fucking Ziplock bag of Black Leather Ladyfingers. And suddenly I froze. Everything froze. Because Jazz would notice that bag, and the black sharpie on it. He had been looking at bags just fucking like it for almost two weeks now.

She tossed the bag on the table. “Cookie?” She asked seductively. Jazz turned towards her then, and glanced down at that fucking bag and stared at it wide eyed. Fuck. Me.

Slowly he lifted his gaze to my eyes. And I was sending him every fucking silent message I could think of. Leave it the fuck alone. Don’t fucking ask her shit. Drop it. Let it fucking go. I shook my head at him just to emphasize the look.

But he wasn’t having any of that shit. “So, Alice…” He reached in the bag and plucked out a cookie not breaking my gaze. “You make cookies?” He asked, looking pissed. Holy fuck. And I wanted to laugh at him for even fucking thinking I was getting those cookies from Brandon, but I couldn’t, because I knew what she was about to say. And I was fucked. Royally.

“Nope.” She chirped, eating a cookie along with him. “My cousin, Bella does.” She smiled widely at him, before he coughed on a piece of cookie.



A/N: *snickers* Poor, poor Edward. No more Jessica B.S. She’s done. We wash our hands of her and all her skankiness.

Reviews squeeze my heart like leather pants squeeze Alice’s rear.



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