angstgoddess003 (angstgoddess003) wrote,

Wide Awake: Chapter 12. Fudge You Alls


Holy sweet mother of some expletive offensive enough to make readers shudder.

This chapter is freaking angsty as a mofo. All EPOV. Long as heck. More 'Fucks' than you can shake a stick at. Bring the tissues.

I have to go cuddle up to a bottle of Xanax now.

It was the very first day in well over a week I didn’t eat my cookies at lunch. No fucking way was I letting Jazz see the name of the cookies. He came strutting into the lunchroom in his holey jeans and grubby band shirt, peeking sideways at Brandon’s table. And I just had to roll my fucking eyes. I was giving it a month. If he didn’t man up by then, I was taking the situation into my own hands. My girl would give me a hand.

He took his seat in front of me without a word, searching the table in front of me for something. Probably the absent bag of cookies I’d just eat on the way home or some shit. After eating half of his disgustingly greasy school burger, he turned in his seat to glance back at my girl’s table where she was reading and eating her fucking Scooby Snacks.

Jasper turned back around with a wide smile. “So, word has it that new girl over there?” He pointed with his thumb back toward Bella. “Has added violence and bodily injury to her repertoire.” He smirked and took a drink of milk.

I furrowed my brow. What the fuck is he talking about? “How so?” I asked casually, as to not raise any suspicions.

He chuckled then, trying to hold it in long enough to spit the words out. “I heard that she assaulted Stanley with a basketball in gym Friday.” He snickered shaking his head.

This was certainly a new development. Why the fuck would Bella assault Stanley? Not that the thought of it didn’t make me want to laugh too. Because, sincerely, it did.

Jazz continued on after his chuckling fit calmed down. “Just fucking took the ball and chucked it at her head.” He started laughing harder. “I know, I know right?” He snickered. “Balls flying at Stanley’s head. Just sounds like another day to me.” He chuckled harder at his own joke.

My stomach sank. Friday was Bella’s ‘really crappy day’. And somehow, that fucking bitch Stanley was involved. My fists clenched. No wonder Bella wouldn’t tell me about what was bothering her. I offered Jazz a devious smirk; because that’s what he’d expect out of me from that story. And if it were anyone else doing it, I probably would without effort.

We were silent the rest of lunch. And I really fucking tried to just let it go, and make up my mind to not pry. But I couldn’t. Because I had to know just how badly I was going to have fuck that Stanley bitch up. Whoever invented the term ‘It’s not polite to hit a girl’ has clearly never fucked Jessica Stanley. It took me months to get her off my back after that one night. Phone calls, letters in my locker, she even told her fucking friends about my scars. And that wasn’t enough to make me want to hit her. But I couldn’t let her spread her venom to my girl.

When I walked into Bio, Bella was already in her seat, with that fucking hood up. I had never felt the urge so strongly to yank it off her head. She was hiding. She was hiding shit from me. I didn’t like it.

Once I got settled into my seat and Mr. Banner started his lecture on DNA, I ripped a piece of paper from my notebook, and began writing Bella a note. It was against the rules. But I could give a fuck less at that moment.

What the fuck did Stanley do to you?

I folded the paper up nice and small and slid it to her side of the lab table. She looked at it incredulously. She wasn’t expecting me to break the rules either. Hesitantly, she picked up the note and began unfolding it.

I watched her reaction closely. I didn’t give a fuck who saw me looking at her. Her eyes widened and she stiffened. She sat there for a while, just staring at the note, before she slumped into her seat and frowned, and then lifted her pencil to the paper and scribbled a reply. It was too fucking quick. She folded it carefully and slid it back to me slowly. I opened it; kind of pissed I knew I wasn’t going to get a sufficient explanation right now.


Was all it said. I balled my fist with the paper still in it, and threw the crumpled ball into my bag. I sent a very pointed glance into her big brown eyes. Yes. Tonight. No fucking way was she weaseling out of this one. She slumped further into her seat and dropped her head even lower. Shame. That’s what the look was. And I didn’t know why she felt ashamed, but I was going to find out.

When the bell rang, I left the classroom first, but I didn’t go to my class just yet. I waited until Bella walked out, hood up and head down, traveling towards gym. I followed behind her a few feet. Everyone seemed to swerve around her. It was like parting the red sea or some shit. They didn’t even look at her anymore; they just got out of the fucking way. It was kind of shitty, and it was kind of good, all at the same time.

As we approached the gym, I could see Stanley and her bunch of rabid skank hyenas gathering near the entrance. I stopped so I wouldn’t be seen, and casually leaned against the brick wall. When Bella walked up to the doors, Stanley glowered at her, following her with an evil eye. If looks could kill, I’d be scraping up my girl’s corpse from that gym entrance.

Stanley never said anything to her, just fucking followed her in. And then I was even more pissed, because I knew that all those dirty skanks were going to go into that locker room and fuck with my girl. And there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do about it.


When the last bell rang, I rushed to the parking lot. I had to get one look at Bella, just to make sure she was okay. I stood against the door of my Volvo, watching the gym entrance anxiously. The guys filtered out first, looking sweaty and gross, and a whole lot like Emmet on a practice day. After all the guys were gone, the girls began filtering out. I straightened my back to get a better view through the crowd. Stanley and her skanks walked out looking as slutty as ever, smacking on bubble gum and snickering. Of course that just made me worry even more. Finally, the last out of the gym, Bella came shuffling out. But she had that goddamn hood up and her head down. Still fucking hiding. Brandon was already in her car, waiting to get home. And when Bella turned to open the door, she lifted her head just enough so that I could get one glance at her face as she got in.

Her eyes were red, and puffy, and I knew my girl well enough to know she had been crying. She climbed into Brandon’s Porsche and closed the door quietly. Not an angry slam, not a wrathly slam, but a quiet, timid click. My stomach clenched even tighter as I watched them drive away.

I drove Jazz home feeling pretty fucking somber. He didn’t say shit to me. He knew my moods well enough to know if I was conversational. He got out with a quick wave when I pulled up to his house. I sped home faster than usual. It was stupid to do. It’s not like it would make the clock move any closer to ten.

I waited in my room. Pacing and running my fingers through my hair and just trying to stay occupied until ten came. I sketched some more, I even read a little of Bella’s book. When Carlisle came home, I went downstairs and talked to him, just to pass the time. He didn’t have anything ridiculously interesting to say. But, he was going to another medical conference this weekend, and I was pretty fucking positive that meant another house party, but I kept my mouth shut. Because honestly, I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to spending a night getting fucked up.

When it was almost ten, I opened the balcony door and stood out there waiting in the cold. I could see Bella coming from the Brandon house as she walked out the door to the kitchen with her bag on her back like always. I watched her stalk across the yard, slowly, like she was delaying the inevitable. And she still had that hood on her head. I peered over the railing, leaning on my forearms, watching her climb up the lattice like a ‘pro’.

When she reached the railing, I went to help her over, but she was so good at doing it, she hopped onto the balcony before I even got the chance. As soon as her feet were firmly planted, I reached up and snatched that fucking hood off her head. No more hiding. She never looked me in the eye; just walked into my room and started unpacking her bag like it was any other night.

I stood, leaning against the balcony door after I closed it, with my arms crossed over my chest. I was not fucking hungry. For my girl’s cooking. “I want my cookies.” I stated simply. It would tell me exactly how Bella felt today.

She paused, but proceeded to reach into the sack and brought out a bag of cookies, laying it on the bed next to the food.

She shuffled her way to her spot on the sofa and sunk into it, looking like a little girl who just got in trouble with daddy. I stood, waiting, expectant. But she just sat there on the sofa, staring at her hands in her lap that were picking at her sleeves. I cleared my throat. Loudly. Spit it the fuck out.

She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. “You’re not going to let this go are you?” she whispered.

I snorted. “Fucking right I’m not going to let this go. Talk.” I ordered, not moving from my spot, still crossing my arms over my chest.

She let out a deep sigh. “You eat. I’ll talk.” She whispered, and bent down to untie her shoes. So she could go fetal on my couch.

Food was really the last thing I was interested in, but I humored her. Sitting down in the middle of my bed and taking a peek at the bag of cookies before I did anything. Fudge you all. I shook my head at the bag. That shit didn’t help me. I set it on my bedside table and took the container of… enchiladas into my lap. I picked up the fork she brought for me and sliced off a bite and ate it.

When I looked up from the enchiladas, she was watching me eat. Like always. Her eyes were tired, and held some kind of sadness I couldn’t quite comprehend.

I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Don’t assume that I don’t find it deeply fucking amusing, but could you please tell me why you hit Stanley?” I asked taking another bite of the food, but keeping all of attention on her.

She grimaced and hugged her knees tighter. She cast her eyes down to my carpet. “She was in front of me on the bleachers Friday.” She started, and paused to knit her eyebrows together and shake her head. “Her and Samantha were talking about…” She paused again and grimaced. “About… all the guys they had slept with.” I wanted to joke with her and say something like ‘Wow, I’ll bet that was one long fucking conversation… literally.’ But I couldn’t, because this was going somewhere very unfunny. “And I tried to just block them out, because I didn’t really want to hear it… but then…” She paused yet again and let out a huff. “Then Jessica said your name.” she said in a tiny voice.

I completely froze mid chew. I hadn’t told Bella about the Stanley situation. At least not entirely. And now she knew.

She looked up at me carefully. I’m sure I looked stunned. “And then… I tired even harder to block it all out, because I really didn’t want to hear what they were saying about you.” She whispered.

I swallowed the bite that had frozen in my mouth with a heavy gulp. “What were they saying about me?” I hedged carefully. Imagine the first party, hearing it coming from a fourth party.

She shrugged and began picking at her sleeve cuffs again. “Jessica was giving Samantha… details.” She croaked.

Then my heart sank. Because the only detail I knew Stanley loved giving and I could really imagine Bella hearing and getting protective of me over were my scars. She was staring at the carpet again, still picking at her sleeves.

“Were they talking about my…” I paused and closed my eyes. “About my scars.” I asked through clenched teeth.

Bella’s head shot up and she looked at me blankly. “What scars?” she asked incredulously.

Holy fucking Christ.

I groaned and dropped my fork into my container of enchiladas. “I take that as a no.” I covered the container and placed it beside my bed. My appetite was gone.

She furrowed her brows and frowned. “No, I didn’t hear anything about that. You have scars?” She asked quietly. Then her face fell completely as understanding lit her face. “From the fire?” she whispered. I grimaced and nodded my head. I should have never taken my shirt off in front of that fucking skank.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” She frowned. I wanted to bitch at her for doing the sorry thing again, but the more important matter still wasn’t answered.

“So…” I tried to get us back on track after I accidentally confessed something very personal. “If that wasn’t it, then why did you do it?” I asked, grabbing my sketchbook out from under my bed.

She grimaced yet again and hugged her knees tighter. “Jessica was being very…. Graphic. Descriptive.” She whispered. Then added, “About you. And the things you…” she trailed off, shaking her head fiercely.

But I got it. I wouldn’t want to hear anyone talking about Bella like that either.

I sighed and softened my face. “You didn’t like hearing them talk about me like that?” It was more of a statement than a question.

She bit her lip, hugging her knees, and fiddling with the fabric of her jeans. Then she nodded. “Yes. I didn’t like hearing them talk about you like that.” She concluded decisively, still nodding.

I smiled in understanding. That wasn’t so bad. I’d hate to think of what I would do to some guy giving details about being with Bella. I’d probably have to stab the mutherfucker. I’d probably enjoy it quite thoroughly. A basketball isn’t much. Which brings me to the next topic…

I began a new sketch, just to keep myself occupied in case Jessica did something really fucked up to my girl. “So what did that skank do to you today in gym?” I asked while moving my pencil over the page.

I could almost hear Bella’s grimace. “What do you mean?” She asked shakily. Ahh… pay dirt.

I huffed, slightly annoyed that she was still being so goddamn evasive. “Don’t pull that bullshit with me, Bella. I saw you come out of the gym. You were crying. What did they say to you?” I looked up from the page then, and she looked really fucking sad. And I knew, in the very depths of my soul, that it was Stanley’s fucking fault. I gripped my pencil tighter waiting for her to answer me.

“They didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, Edward.” She smiled. But it wasn’t a smile at all. It was full of bitterness and pain, and it made me want to hunt Stanley down and stab her a little too.

I gripped my pencil even tighter. “Why don’t you just fucking tell me what they said, and let me decide for myself?” I snapped.

Bella’s jaw tensed, and she clenched her fists into tight little balls on top of her knees, so hard her knuckles were white and taught. And she had the most heartbreaking look in her eyes of just complete and utter frustration and bitterness. “They told me I was a freak, and that I was only pissed off at Jessica because I was a prude. And they said I was only a prude because no one would ever fucking touch me.” She spat venomously... bitterly.

I blanched. I blanched and fucking flinched away from her voice. Because of all the nights I had spent talking to Bella about the most awful things in our lives, I had never once heard her loose her cool so fucking completely. And I had never heard her curse.

I sat there on my bed staring wide eyed at my girl. “That’s bullshit.” I breathed. I was pissed at them for even saying it to her, but I was too stunned by Bella’s complete change in behavior to inject any of the anger necessary into my voice.

She let out a loud, humorless chuckle, and gave me that same bitter smile. “Is it, Edward?” She croaked, sounding on the verge of tears. “Is it really bullshit? I don’t think it is. I think that I’m always going to be this way.” One lone tear slid down her cheek, and her eyes flashed with an anger I didn’t even think Bella capable of as she swatted it away violently. “I’ll never be able to touch a man. I’ll never have a first kiss, I’ll never get married, and I’ll always hate bitches like Jessica fucking Stanley who can and take it all for granted.” She spat, letting the sobs take her over.

And I was fucking done. Done hearing Bella be so goddamn bitter. Done watching her cry over something that fucking bitch told her. I threw my sketchbook down and jumped off the bed, sprinting over to my girl across the room, sitting on the couch, all fucking fetal and sobbing into her knees. I bent down and grabbed her by the shoulders and pried her apart, lifting her until she was standing, and I crushed her to me. Hugging her as tight as I could without just completely fucking suffocating her. She was sobbing so hard and loud she couldn’t even stand up, but I was holding her too tight to let her fall. She fisted her little hands into my shirt, burying her face into my chest, soaking me with all her tears. And I didn’t give a shit. I wanted her to get all that bitterness and frustration out. I couldn’t bear to see it poison her.

I turned us around and sat us down on the couch slowly, letting her little body fall into my lap. She was still sobbing so hard it made her whole body shake. I rocked her slowly, and I stroked her hair and rubbed her back, just like that day behind the school almost two weeks ago. That day she tried to be brave and all grown up and face down the monster that was creating all of this bitterness in the first place. The monster always fucking beat her. And it was the only monster in this whole fucked up situation I couldn’t physically harm.

I sat there on that cold leather couch rocking her for what seemed like hours. Just fucking letting her cry it all out. It eventually subsided to whimpers. And then it became sniffles. And then it became steady calming breaths. And eventually, she was all cried out. All of her bitterness and anger spilled all over my shirt.

She didn’t let go after the tears stopped coming and she calmed down. She had her eyes open, staring off into space with her cheek pressed against my chest. She didn’t look tired, and she didn’t look pissed off. She just looked fucking numb.

“Bella?” I whispered, still stroking her hair down her back, while I lazily laid my head against the back of the sofa, looking down my nose at her face.

“Hmm?” She hummed, never moving her eyes.

“I think you should know… you’ve got one dirty fucking mouth.” I said, attempting to make her smile. Even a little bit.

And it worked. One side of her mouth twitched up, and slowly, it turned into a little smile. Then after a moment it turned into a chuckle. And I thanked whatever fucking god there was out there looking out for me that I could make my girl laugh again, and I didn’t have to resort to the Scooby pants to make it happen.

“I learned from the best.” She shrugged inside my arms with a small smirk on her face. Then I had to chuckle. Because I did have a pretty fucking dirty mouth.

With a deep sigh, Bella reluctantly lifted herself off of my lap, gave me a little smile, and silently walked to the bathroom with her bag to get ready for bed.

My shirt really was fucking soaked. It was kind of gross. But I still didn’t give a shit. It was completely worth it. When she walked back out of the bathroom ten minutes later in her pajamas, she didn’t blush. Something told me I just saw a lot more of her than just her arms. A part she never let me see before. I got ready for bed after that. I almost considered wearing the Scooby pants anyways, just to hear that giggle again. But decided I had plenty more ‘dirty mouth’ jokes to keep me in good supply for the night.

When I walked back out of the bathroom in my pajamas, Bella was sitting on the sofa again, which was weird, because she usually waited for me in bed. I cocked an eyebrow at her.

“If you don’t mind, I just want to sit for a while.” She whispered, pleading with her swollen red eyes. I nodded. I didn’t mind staying up. I got back on my bed and went to resume the sketch I had started earlier. But it was tainted with Bella’s bitterness, so I tore the page out and balled it up, throwing it into the trash, and starting a new one.

It was really fucking eating at me though, that Bella really thought like that.

“Did you really mean all that stuff you said before?” I asked in a quiet voice, not looking up from my sketch.

I heard one of Bella’s residual sniffles. “About not being able to do stuff?” She said in a simple voice, like she just fucking accepted it for what it was.

I nodded and furrowed my brows in concentration. “Yeah. You don’t ever hope it will get better? That it will just fucking go away?” I asked incredulously while shading my paper with my pencil.

She sniffled again. “Nope. I’ll never have a first kiss, and you’ll always be the only man I can touch.” I could almost hear her shrugging, like it was no big fucking deal.

I scoffed. I wanted to make her laugh again; I wanted to hear that chuckle, not the bitterness, and definitely not the acceptance. I snorted in a chuckle myself while shading harder on the paper. “You sound like you want me to kiss you.” I snickered with a smirk.

I was expecting to hear her snort, or laugh, or scoff, or maybe even fucking slap the shit out of it for suggesting something so ludicrous, but I was met with complete and total fucking silence. My pencil in my hand froze, leaving the dark area of my drawing only half shaded, and my smirk vanished from my face.

Slowly, I lifted my head from the sketchbook to see her. And she was looking down at her book fucking blushing,

Holy fucking Christ.

She really fucking did. She really wanted me to give her her first kiss. But I couldn’t just do that. Not with Bella. Not unless she came out and asked.

She glanced up at me from her book, as I’m sure I was staring at her looking a little fucking stunned. Then she blushed harder, and looked away quickly.

All the air left my lungs. “Bella…” I started cautiously. “If you want something like that, you’re going to have to ask me. No bullshit beating around the bush.” I said bluntly. I couldn’t assume she wanted something like that and then just fucking do it. Then I really would look like the asshole manipulator.

She kept her flaming red face downward, still having a few residual sniffles. “Would you say yes?” She whispered.

Then I really had to fucking think. It would be awkward as hell. It might cost us the whole routine. That’s a whole fucking lot to put on the line. But, on the other hand, it was an experience Bella really wanted… needed. It was something that would help rid her of some of that ugly bitterness I hated.

I took a deep breath. She still hadn’t lifted her gaze away from the carpet. “Would it make shit weird?” I asked, grasping for some reassurance that the routine wouldn’t go away.

She shook her head slowly, never looking up. “Not for me.” She whispered softly, fingering the pages of her book.

I closed my sketchbook in my lap softly and set my pencil down, never taking my eyes off of her. If it wouldn’t make shit weird for her, then I wouldn’t let it make shit weird for me. “Okay.” I said conclusively. Her head snapped up and her eyes widened slightly. And just when I thought she couldn’t get a deeper shade of red, she did. I had to hold back a chuckle.

“Come on.” I said, patting the bed in front of me. She eyed the spot in front of me dubiously for a moment, but eventually closed her book, and laid it on the couch beside her. Slowly, she rose up off the sofa and shuffled her way over to the bed.

Once she reached the edge, she pressed her palms down on the mattress and climbed up, crawling over to the piece of bed in front of me. She was looking at me skeptically as she mirrored my position on the bed, sitting Indian style with her legs crossed, so close our knees were touching. I wanted to snicker at her again, I couldn’t help it. She looked so much like a little girl about to learn something new, wide eyed and nervous as fuck. But I couldn’t laugh at my girl. It was something new to her. A kiss to her was probably pretty fucking scandalous.

I scooted closer to her, so that her knees were overlapping mine and took in a deep breath. Her face was flushed and she was nervous, but I could see the flash of excitement in her eyes. It only made her look cuter. I fought the urge to chuckle yet again.

“Close your eyes.” I ordered softly. When she let them flutter closed I added, “And relax.” She did infinitesimally. I leaned into her and put my hands on either side of her hips on the mattress so I could hold myself closer. She looked fucking tense still, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it now. I leaned in until my nose was nearly touching hers, and I could feel her breathing pick up against my face.

Easily, to test her a bit, I tilted my head and gently grazed her lips with mine. She was completely fucking frozen. I rolled my eyes and lifted one of my hands and cupped her cheek to relax her face, rubbing her cheek with my thumb. It did the trick. She finally eased up and her lips slightly parted.

I tried it again, leaning my head to the side and grazing her lips. This time she responded. Softly pouting her lips to me. I gently took her top lip in between mine, and she took my bottom in hers. It was soft, and warm, just like my girl always was. I pulled away gently, but went back again, to give her something firmer. She seemed to get the gist of the whole thing, taking my bottom lip with slightly more vigor. I pulled her face to mine harder with my hand, and tangled it into her hair, gently sucking on her top lip, then pulled away slightly again. We did that a couple more times, just soft and easy. It was all I was expecting. But suddenly on the last one, I felt Bella’s soft warm tongue touch my lip.

I was debating if I should really do all that. Then I reminded myself I was doing this for Bella, and if she wanted the full kissing experience, fuck it… I would give it to her. So I darted my tongue out to meet hers. And when they touched she parted her lips more and took my tongue into her mouth. It was so fucking warm and soft, and it was getting progressively more difficult to keep that switch in the off position. Then I felt her soft little hand slide up my arm and around my neck, until she had it tangled into the back of my head pulling me closer. And then she was kissing me like a pro. Pressing her soft little tongue into mine, gently at first, then harder, then she was in my mouth. And we were broth breathing pretty fucking hard by then, and I didn’t even have to press her head closer, because her little fist was pressing my face as close as it would go. But when she began pressing her body against mine, that switched just fucking flipped. And before I could stop it, my entire body was reacting to the kiss. I brought my other hand up and pulled her neck closer. I felt her warm body against me, almost in my lap. I groaned, loudly into her mouth, and I froze.

I used my hands to gently push myself from her grasp, and leaned back into my spot panting. Feeling really fucking thankful I had that sketchbook in my lap. Bella didn’t move from her spot or even open her eyes for a few moments. Just sat there with her hands on her lap catching her breath and licking my taste off her lips.

When she finally caught her breath and opened her eyes, she smiled at me. Big and fucking goofy as hell. And I rolled my eyes at her and smiled back. She looked like someone just told her Santa was real or some shit, and she chuckled a little bit at me for the eye roll, but I didn’t care.

She didn’t say anything or make it awkward, just hopped under the covers on her side of the bed. Ready to go to sleep. My… situation… was abated by then, so I discarded the sketch book and got under the covers right along with her. I turned the lamp off and scooped up my girl, shoving my face into her hair, and showing her that someone could touch her. And I could almost hear her smile when she started humming me to sleep. No more angry, no more sad, and no more bitter.

A/N: Argh. I’m so tired. Seriously. Hardest chapter ever. EVER. And I really hope you were all being serious when you said you liked over descriptive, because for some reason, I couldn’t help it on this chapter. And… if that’s the kiss, I’d cringe to see me write a lemon. Like 40k word chapter.

Yeah, I cried a little when I wrote Bella’s breakdown. I can be such a sap for angst.

Reviews are better than Xanax.

(Present day AG snorts at this A/N. Hardest chapter ever. I snort.)

Tags: wide awake
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